This is a long one.
I got excited about a person recently. He said he took pride in being kind, healthy and happy loving life. I was thrilled. I was captivated by his pics of holding a cup of coffee in his selfies. He appeared odd yet mysteriously endearing. He didn’t show his shirtless body like the others. He didn’t flaunt his trips around the world or boast about his life like the others. I was captivated and intrigued. He happened to like a video of me in my profile, where I was flirtatious and smiling so naturally, I would give myself time to discover things about him. There is a little funny thing though. We found each other on Hinge.
He appeared like he was dismissed, unassuming, gentle, curious, kind, had a great sense of humor and imagination. How did I get that idea? It was from actually taking the time to review his profile. Yes, I actually looked at his profile and in it, he included some endearing photos of a simple Massachusetts mug basking in the sun. What, I thought to myself?!!! How adorable and how real is this (or it is). All I can think of is that he seemed interesting, unique and imaginative to me. I never got a chance to tell him that or ask about his back injury and recovery. I always had a special place in my heart about Massachusetts because one of my soulmates share this love to me of Martha’s Vineyard and his extended family all lived in Massachusetts. I would never forget this. I shall take you in this magical time of experiencing budding love and romance where time stood still and we were wrapt with wonder and lust where there were no limits.
Going back to the guy in Hinge, I got rejected before I could even meet him in person. He said we were not a good fit. I haven’t even met him and he already was certain that I was not a good fit. This is modern dating. If you both are lucky enough, you get to meet up in person but something was off about meeting someone online who didn’t even ask questions about me. There has to be a better way to encourage people to meet face to face, be transparent and be vulnerable and real. I don’t know how people find love in this day of swiping left and right, crossing and deleting, blocking and unmatching. I had no expectations of it being real.
If I were to create a dating app though, why not make it more human-centered? The match would not activate unless people ask questions of one another, just like you are on a real date. Our identity would be verified and authenticated for I would suspect so many fake profiles out there to lure you into using the app or become a premiere member. Curiosity drives connection and interest, intimacy and desire, respect and joy. Women do not really connect with people who have impressive credentials, they connect with people who show them genuine interest, respect, vulnerable (perhaps) and sincerity. It comes from our own individual curiosity, not someone who is shirtless or rich or “hot”. If you take a look at birds, how males behave around the female birds when they want to find a lifelong mate, you will notice something deeply incredible. I won’t go further but I want to plant that as to drive our curiosity to seek and wonder. What really makes women fall in love with men? How do men fall in love with women? It isn’t his money. It isn’t his creds. It isn’t her niceness. It is something more than we can truly explain. No dating app can replace face-to-face interactions and that gaze and touch, sound and smell. The tingles you feel when he takes you by the hand for the very first time.
Going back to the Hinge guy, I only got to express myself in text messages trying to use poetry, music and play to express interest to get to know him. I thought I would be okay with this but soon I saw in myself, I grew curious to want to hear his voice. The mind is amazing. It seeks. We can really mess things up if we want although when I dropped my thoughts and focused on what was in front of me, I felt a sense of warmth inside me, feeling sensations throughout my physical body of joyful tingles and nervous trembling. I went with it. I opened up to the experience. It was nice to feel free of fear, although I did feel fear come and go. At that brief time, I was grateful to be able to find a person that loved music, poetry, literature (it’s a plus to drop Kurt Vonnegut’s name), (nature, ocean, health) as much as I do. He seemed fascinated but I was uncertain about these thoughts as illusionary. He said things that lit me up with excitement to learn more. I thought he was the one that caused my inner happiness, but in the end, I realize I had so much more to do with how I got to a place to feel a sense of wonder. I see how I opened my heart. I dropped my attachments to fear. I felt that little sensation of a slight tingle in my heart when I read he didn’t think we fit. It all made sense. It is remarkable to feel that pain in the heart when you get rejected. It hurt no doubt. I didn’t know his last name. He didn’t know mine (as far as I know because he didn’t ask, which was odd that we didn’t ask for our last names). In retrospect, it didn’t matter really. I felt content, but at the same time, some things did not sit well. He seemed too formal, too kind, unaffected, curt and cold, almost robotic and lacking emotion. I didn’t know him but regardless, I felt a great sense of love and joy inside me. I often wondered why I was like this. Imagine if things turned out differently. I am happy he said he didn’t think we fit. I am relieved that he said “goodbye and good luck” after I opened up and spilled words to write to him expressing my concerns, frankly they would make one uncomfortable to hear. It was a cold goodbye and good luck, repetitious. My Hinge man sounded like a robot. Perhaps he was. I don’t know. I wonder how he must be feeling right now. If he is real, I hope he finds what he is looking for or if not, it was a brief virtual introspective interaction and exercise of the human spirit.
In reality, no one can truly bring us happiness but ourselves. If we are lucky, we can only share our happiness when we are happy within. We can take chances. We can be vulnerable. We can sound idiotic. We can invite that person that comes to our experience. Our natural tendency is to include them as part of ourselves. Our natural tendency is to be skeptical too. We simply do not know. I am happy though. I never thought I would find ways to tap into my very essence, love, and spirit. Years ago, I didn’t realize this power within myself. Meditativeness, nature, animals, people, the very breath we take, the water, the mountains, the sun, leaves, and blade of grass, the winds have a way to ignite the fire within, the sensations we feel through touch, sound, smell, taste and beyond can really set us off into bliss without synthetic means. I thank my lucky stars and encounters of jellyfish, that he came into my life virtually and through voice to remind myself that I am amazing, truly giddy, playful, curious, quirky, loving, and unique. Wabi-Sabi. I never thought I would get to this point again, where I would be captivated or imagine beautiful things with a potential so-called romantic interest. I guess that’s why they call it “romantic.” I always sought love from others but little did I know, I found the love of my life, inside me. Me. Whoever thought of that being even a grand possibility. Thank you, Hinge man. I will not deny, it is also fun to share this love and happiness with a guy who I happen to find beautiful too. Thank you. So many soul mates out there. Every rejection (“we do not fit” phrases) we get closer and closer to the person who can see beyond his limited thoughts and conclusions. So, it’s not really a rejection. It is a glorious beautiful opportunity. It’s just timing. We wish everyone to find what they are searching for. For that person who comes our way, how lucky they will be beyond their wildest dreams for a woman or man to love them and see them. Fall not for the idea of love or relationship but see the person and respect their beingness. This is the feminine magical mystery. I guess. It’s a mystery I don’t need to find answers to.
Takeaway: Many of you ladies and gents who fail to find love, look inward. You are enough. Have passions outside and that cultivates love inside you. You are remarkable. You will find that person who will see and will see you. And you don’t really need to find that man or woman. My friends say “to hell” with that guy who concludes you are not a “good” fit. If you find your mind taking you in this direction, do you need to follow it and get caught up in it? There is freedom in compassion. If he says you are not a good fit, thank him. Do not be afraid to feel fear and nervousness. Take time to sit quietly on your own, observe your thoughts and feelings, let go of them and get back to that person in front of you, YOU. Out of respect for you and that bae out there who is coming to you. When you drop your idea of that bae, observe your inhalation and exhalation and give dignity, kindness, compassion and respect, recognize the limiting thoughts that arise and let go, get back to the person in front of you, that’s where the energy rises up in the body, watch your breath, feel the sensations in your body, express love for yourself and that person in front of you and feeling the inexplicable ambrosia from within. If you are curious, look up the effects of being active, yoga, meditation, on the pineal gland. Much love you lovers and dreamers out there. There is so much power in allowing the person to be as they are, not changing them. Just “see”ing them. Here is meditative love.
xoxo
I wrote this blog post, after my meditation on “Nothing Stays The Same” - Everyday Headspace after I started noticing a change in behavior. I knew something was off about that encounter and I am so grateful for that experience of things not going as we envision, a person losing interest and who decide they don’t want to meet in person. Every time I meditate, I feel inspired to write, listen to music, express love and affection to those around me. I am grateful every single moment for the gift of meditation. I will be forever thankful for Headspace and my daily practice and the experiences that come. I wish you the joy of going within and developing a deeper loving compassionate relationship with yourself. Much love again. Keep moving forward. You are more powerful than you think you are. Aiko xox