Finnegan’s Wake - Enduring Love

I have never seen a person “die.” I was not familiar with the physical experience of seeing someone “pass away” or finding someone “gone.”

I am writing for the first time about an experience new to me. That experience showed up for me as I discovered the limp body of my beloved golden retriever at precisely 6:30 AM the morning of Monday, December 12th, the year 2022. I remember it so vividly, waking up to the sound of my phone alarm. I usually press snooze, but that morning, I sprang up from the carpeted floor immediately. My golden retriever has been facing a medical condition called canine megaesophagus since he was diagnosed on September 10th. I did not realize his beautiful, joyful walk in the rain on Saturday, December 10th, to visit his friend would be his last.

My mind never imagined he would be gone so soon. I had a dream, a plan, and a vision of putting him in our new car and moving us in January to Los Angeles. And then the thought came to me later that the universe had other plans.

Grief is an incredible mystery. It is not only felt for humans, for the death of people we love, but from my experience, it is the death of identity, hopes, and dreams for that person. That person is my dog. The memory of him both brings me sadness and joy. Fifteen years ago, I promised myself that I would take care of someone other than myself, and that was when I fell in love with the eyes and smile of a sweet golden retriever baby whom I did not know we would name Finnegan.

I did not question bereavement when I lost my grandmother to COVID in August 2021—but grieving for my dog, I was wrought with embarrassment, shame, loneliness, and despair. In my mind, I was afraid of being judged as weak, a wimp, a loser, and pathetic with a mental disorder. After all, I kept hearing the idea that he was “just” a dog, so I resisted the emotions that rose from within me.

No moral distinction exists between a human’s death and an animal companion’s death. The feeling is universal, if not more significant. When my grandmother passed, she lived in Japan, and the idea was that I would never get that yearly phone video call from her wishing me a happy birthday or sending me Christmas and New Year wishes and that her goodbyes would be filled with “I love you.” The joyful memories of being with her throughout my childhood — having tea with her at the kotatsu table to keep our feet warm during the winter and making door curtains out of rolled paper with colorful pages from fashion and movie magazines. That feeling I feel for discovering my dog breathless is vivid and heartfelt and came with great shock. Regret for actions not taken, thoughts not spoken, and self-blame for leaving his community in Columbus came to me. The ideas of “what if I stayed up and slept next to him” and “what if I took him to the emergency room that afternoon?” the cases went on. Would the outcome have changed, and would he still be alive today? He was always by my side for over 15 years. He was receptive to my care and was patient with every attempt for me to keep him well.

My relationship evolved from being identified as his “handler” to being a mother to a 15-year-old boy in a 101-year-old body of a dog. I felt a rush of sorrow as I mourned for his smile and love for me and those around him. He is extraordinary and human, filled with love, wonder, tenderness, and joy. I found myself scrolling through endless videos and pictures of him with that beautiful smile on his face. I found myself lighting an oil lamp daily and keeping it lit and adorned with flowers. I found myself chanting a mantra for his peaceful transition as I applied a sacred ash of burnt dried wood and cow dung on his head, neck, heart and chest area, his belly, legs, and tail, dressing his body with flowers from my neighbor’s garden and decorating his bed with his favorite toys, not knowing where he would go. I drove to the mountains where he was cremated and prayed for his body to be burned with respect and dignity. I visited the Hindu temple to pray for him and sat in silence. I sob uncontrollably, wiping my tears as I face those around me, noting that I did not want to burden anyone with the sorrow inside me.

Seeing that smile brought me joy and purpose and became a driving force in my life. I got him to California in 2018 with the dream of him experiencing being with his grandmother and grandfather, aunties, and uncles creating joyful memories with our expanding growing family. The idea that I would never see him again walking alongside me and the future without him breaks my heart. A friend reminded me that Finn is “Enzo” from the 2008 novel “The Art of Racing in the Rain.” I am grateful that I had the opportunity to be a mother. I am thankful I learned and witnessed love, curiosity, and joy through all the years he was by my side. I wonder where his next life will be.

I don’t know what is happening yet. Yoga and meditation allow me to honor the grief, witness emotions and thoughts as they arise without judgment, and accept life's preciousness and the realization that my love for Finn endures.

I don’t know what the next chapter will bring. I will stay open, curious, and receptive to what life brings.

Thanks to dear friends and family members near and far who witnessed and received Finnegan’s softness and love and will continue to honor those who gave him his best life.

Thank you to the people in the canine nutrition and holistic approaches and teachers of homeopathy for helping me be curious to go beyond traditional practices of veterinary medicine to help my Finnegan thrive into his early teens. Thank you, Finnegan, for trusting me to turn to homeopathy and acupuncture to live a healthy and happy life as your body has allowed.

Thank you, Finn, for being there for over fifteen rich years, filling life with happiness and tenderness, and making everyone you meet feel that feeling that makes everyone love you.

I will live in honor of my beloved boy Finnegan. xo

Finnegan at his favorite place where he roamed with his beloved friends and cultivated enduring friendships for over ten years of witnessing four seasons - Thank you to The Whetstone Park of Roses, Columbus, Ohio. We were surrounded by the kindest of humans and sweetest of friends. I have never seen a four-legged boy love flowers so much as he did—photo courtesy of Fox and Twig.

What is True Love?

I was recently given the opportunity to take a look inside myself and examine my intentions, my true intentions. I haven’t been in a committed romantic relationship in years. I felt I needed the time and space to look at what I was doing, since I felt a sense of void and unhappiness when I was much younger, often seeking external pleasures and needs. I realized I was always “with a guy” since I left home, not really having the opportunity to figure out what I wanted in life, in myself, for the world around me. I was a late bloomer but to me, it didn’t really matter. I found myself turning 41 and not being happy with myself and who I have become as half of a couple. I never imagined life without anyone. I never imagined being alone. At the point, I felt like I was going through the motions of the so-called falling in love with an idea, an idea of a person or “the perfect relationship.”

I will forever be grateful to all my former boyfriends who shared their life with me during those years of coupledom.

The years of solitude and self-imposed singleness has allowed me to see things for what they are. For this, I am grateful for all that time, now and ever.

*My companion, imaginary boyfriend, and teacher during the years of solitude* - this list will continuously grow as I remember them.

Books with magic (Support your local bookstore):

One Hundred Years of Solitude by Gabriel García Márquez

How Proust Can Change Your Life: Not a Novel by Alain de Botton

Education thru music and record labels to be grateful for:

Mexican Summer, a record label >> https://www.mexicansummer.com

Drag City, another record label >> https://www.dragcity.com

Secretly Canadian >> https://secretlycanadian.com

Asthmatic Kitty >> https://asthmatickitty.com

Merge Records >> https://www.mergerecords.com

Health and self-care practices

Isha Yoga, my meditation and yoga practice, technologies for well-being >> https://isha.sadhguru.org/us/en

Pecha Kucha, death to PowerPoint and boring bullet points >> https://www.pechakucha.com

Headspace, bringing health and happiness to the world >> https://www.headspace.com

School of Life, learning to embrace our flawed self >> https://www.theschooloflife.com

Most of us think we know what love is; we may just be looking for the right person to lavish our love on. But it's no insult, and indeed it might even be hel...

Making a few seconds count

When I moved back to California to be near my family in Los Altos, it dawned on me that I really didn’t know anything about this town, not even all that well. For the past few years, I only came home during Christmas. When I had any vacation left, I afforded to come home for a long weekend to celebrate Mother’s Day or Father’s Day or Thanksgiving or Easter or birthdays. I never really took the time to get to know the neighbors, let alone get to frequent any of the local businesses and most especially, coffee shops. When I lived in Clintonville, I was a frequent flyer to our neighborhood Starbucks and local artisan coffee shops like Cafe Brioso, Fox in the Snow on 4th, One Line Coffee, Mission Coffee on Price, Stauf’s in Grandview, The Roosevelt Coffeehouse, Cup O Joe in German Village and Clintonville, Global Gallery off of Dunedin. I felt a great sense of home and a radical sense of community I never dreamed of.

I found myself taking walks with an eager desire to meet my neighbors here in Los Altos. Why is this so? Perhaps the Midwest energy has rubbed off me wanting to greet every neighbor, stopping to learn more about them even to stop for a second. It has come naturally for me living away from home and creating a community from Los Altos. Now that I am here at these few moments. Something inside me inspired me to drop my preconceived notions of what the perfect role would be, letting go of deep attachments to the so-called “dream job.” All I wanted to do is do what is needed wherever I go, meeting the locals, learning about their immediate needs and gaps and see how I can be of service. It just takes seconds.

Needless to say, the lessons I have learned along the way have been incredibly humbling turning me inside out. I am currently in a place where I am lucky to walk to the place I work in. I am humbled to share a seat and meet Joe, our 96 yo regular who speaks highly of his grown sons. I am privileged to discover what they love to drink and if I am lucky, I get to learn about them, a sliver of their dream, where they are headed, and what makes them happy. I get to look around me, trees, ants, berry trees and kumquats, dogs, people working on gardens, a gentleman named Bob who always greets my Finnegan with glee, whistling winds and all. I am watching myself being beside myself to be able to have the feet to walk, lungs to breathe this crisp air, the eyes to look and notice, a dog that has no sense of limitation who helps me discover the world through his nose. My writing is not doing this place justice nor can I ever express fully the beauty of the world around me. I won’t even begin to express my deepest gratitude for being sensitive to this world, feeling my living breath and having death near me all at the same time. Feeling the body and sensing the world touching me. I am so in love.

My love letter to you. I write with the deepest reverence. I do not deserve you, a beautiful mother embracing planet earth. I take you so much for granted. I bow down and commit myself to do my insignificant part on this planet. Help me by reflecting on what is needed to be done.

Stay open. Be love. Thank you. xoxo

Choosing Dates with Hinge

This is a long one.

I got excited about a person recently. He said he took pride in being kind, healthy and happy loving life. I was thrilled. I was captivated by his pics of holding a cup of coffee in his selfies. He appeared odd yet mysteriously endearing. He didn’t show his shirtless body like the others. He didn’t flaunt his trips around the world or boast about his life like the others. I was captivated and intrigued. He happened to like a video of me in my profile, where I was flirtatious and smiling so naturally, I would give myself time to discover things about him. There is a little funny thing though. We found each other on Hinge.

He appeared like he was dismissed, unassuming, gentle, curious, kind, had a great sense of humor and imagination. How did I get that idea? It was from actually taking the time to review his profile. Yes, I actually looked at his profile and in it, he included some endearing photos of a simple Massachusetts mug basking in the sun. What, I thought to myself?!!! How adorable and how real is this (or it is). All I can think of is that he seemed interesting, unique and imaginative to me. I never got a chance to tell him that or ask about his back injury and recovery. I always had a special place in my heart about Massachusetts because one of my soulmates share this love to me of Martha’s Vineyard and his extended family all lived in Massachusetts. I would never forget this. I shall take you in this magical time of experiencing budding love and romance where time stood still and we were wrapt with wonder and lust where there were no limits.

Going back to the guy in Hinge, I got rejected before I could even meet him in person. He said we were not a good fit. I haven’t even met him and he already was certain that I was not a good fit. This is modern dating. If you both are lucky enough, you get to meet up in person but something was off about meeting someone online who didn’t even ask questions about me. There has to be a better way to encourage people to meet face to face, be transparent and be vulnerable and real. I don’t know how people find love in this day of swiping left and right, crossing and deleting, blocking and unmatching. I had no expectations of it being real.

If I were to create a dating app though, why not make it more human-centered? The match would not activate unless people ask questions of one another, just like you are on a real date. Our identity would be verified and authenticated for I would suspect so many fake profiles out there to lure you into using the app or become a premiere member. Curiosity drives connection and interest, intimacy and desire, respect and joy. Women do not really connect with people who have impressive credentials, they connect with people who show them genuine interest, respect, vulnerable (perhaps) and sincerity. It comes from our own individual curiosity, not someone who is shirtless or rich or “hot”. If you take a look at birds, how males behave around the female birds when they want to find a lifelong mate, you will notice something deeply incredible. I won’t go further but I want to plant that as to drive our curiosity to seek and wonder. What really makes women fall in love with men? How do men fall in love with women? It isn’t his money. It isn’t his creds. It isn’t her niceness. It is something more than we can truly explain. No dating app can replace face-to-face interactions and that gaze and touch, sound and smell. The tingles you feel when he takes you by the hand for the very first time.

Going back to the Hinge guy, I only got to express myself in text messages trying to use poetry, music and play to express interest to get to know him. I thought I would be okay with this but soon I saw in myself, I grew curious to want to hear his voice. The mind is amazing. It seeks. We can really mess things up if we want although when I dropped my thoughts and focused on what was in front of me, I felt a sense of warmth inside me, feeling sensations throughout my physical body of joyful tingles and nervous trembling. I went with it. I opened up to the experience. It was nice to feel free of fear, although I did feel fear come and go. At that brief time, I was grateful to be able to find a person that loved music, poetry, literature (it’s a plus to drop Kurt Vonnegut’s name), (nature, ocean, health) as much as I do. He seemed fascinated but I was uncertain about these thoughts as illusionary. He said things that lit me up with excitement to learn more. I thought he was the one that caused my inner happiness, but in the end, I realize I had so much more to do with how I got to a place to feel a sense of wonder. I see how I opened my heart. I dropped my attachments to fear. I felt that little sensation of a slight tingle in my heart when I read he didn’t think we fit. It all made sense. It is remarkable to feel that pain in the heart when you get rejected. It hurt no doubt. I didn’t know his last name. He didn’t know mine (as far as I know because he didn’t ask, which was odd that we didn’t ask for our last names). In retrospect, it didn’t matter really. I felt content, but at the same time, some things did not sit well. He seemed too formal, too kind, unaffected, curt and cold, almost robotic and lacking emotion. I didn’t know him but regardless, I felt a great sense of love and joy inside me. I often wondered why I was like this. Imagine if things turned out differently. I am happy he said he didn’t think we fit. I am relieved that he said “goodbye and good luck” after I opened up and spilled words to write to him expressing my concerns, frankly they would make one uncomfortable to hear. It was a cold goodbye and good luck, repetitious. My Hinge man sounded like a robot. Perhaps he was. I don’t know. I wonder how he must be feeling right now. If he is real, I hope he finds what he is looking for or if not, it was a brief virtual introspective interaction and exercise of the human spirit.

In reality, no one can truly bring us happiness but ourselves. If we are lucky, we can only share our happiness when we are happy within. We can take chances. We can be vulnerable. We can sound idiotic. We can invite that person that comes to our experience. Our natural tendency is to include them as part of ourselves. Our natural tendency is to be skeptical too. We simply do not know. I am happy though. I never thought I would find ways to tap into my very essence, love, and spirit. Years ago, I didn’t realize this power within myself. Meditativeness, nature, animals, people, the very breath we take, the water, the mountains, the sun, leaves, and blade of grass, the winds have a way to ignite the fire within, the sensations we feel through touch, sound, smell, taste and beyond can really set us off into bliss without synthetic means. I thank my lucky stars and encounters of jellyfish, that he came into my life virtually and through voice to remind myself that I am amazing, truly giddy, playful, curious, quirky, loving, and unique. Wabi-Sabi. I never thought I would get to this point again, where I would be captivated or imagine beautiful things with a potential so-called romantic interest. I guess that’s why they call it “romantic.” I always sought love from others but little did I know, I found the love of my life, inside me. Me. Whoever thought of that being even a grand possibility. Thank you, Hinge man. I will not deny, it is also fun to share this love and happiness with a guy who I happen to find beautiful too. Thank you. So many soul mates out there. Every rejection (“we do not fit” phrases) we get closer and closer to the person who can see beyond his limited thoughts and conclusions. So, it’s not really a rejection. It is a glorious beautiful opportunity. It’s just timing. We wish everyone to find what they are searching for. For that person who comes our way, how lucky they will be beyond their wildest dreams for a woman or man to love them and see them. Fall not for the idea of love or relationship but see the person and respect their beingness. This is the feminine magical mystery. I guess. It’s a mystery I don’t need to find answers to.

Takeaway: Many of you ladies and gents who fail to find love, look inward. You are enough. Have passions outside and that cultivates love inside you. You are remarkable. You will find that person who will see and will see you. And you don’t really need to find that man or woman. My friends say “to hell” with that guy who concludes you are not a “good” fit. If you find your mind taking you in this direction, do you need to follow it and get caught up in it? There is freedom in compassion. If he says you are not a good fit, thank him. Do not be afraid to feel fear and nervousness. Take time to sit quietly on your own, observe your thoughts and feelings, let go of them and get back to that person in front of you, YOU. Out of respect for you and that bae out there who is coming to you. When you drop your idea of that bae, observe your inhalation and exhalation and give dignity, kindness, compassion and respect, recognize the limiting thoughts that arise and let go, get back to the person in front of you, that’s where the energy rises up in the body, watch your breath, feel the sensations in your body, express love for yourself and that person in front of you and feeling the inexplicable ambrosia from within. If you are curious, look up the effects of being active, yoga, meditation, on the pineal gland. Much love you lovers and dreamers out there. There is so much power in allowing the person to be as they are, not changing them. Just “see”ing them. Here is meditative love.

xoxo

I wrote this blog post, after my meditation on “Nothing Stays The Same” - Everyday Headspace after I started noticing a change in behavior. I knew something was off about that encounter and I am so grateful for that experience of things not going as we envision, a person losing interest and who decide they don’t want to meet in person. Every time I meditate, I feel inspired to write, listen to music, express love and affection to those around me. I am grateful every single moment for the gift of meditation. I will be forever thankful for Headspace and my daily practice and the experiences that come. I wish you the joy of going within and developing a deeper loving compassionate relationship with yourself. Much love again. Keep moving forward. You are more powerful than you think you are. Aiko xox

This is the second wabi-sabi video of me meditating using the Headspace App. I had just finished working for the day. Our company has partnered with Headspac...

Beyond Service but Love

When you look inward and realize the depth of your existence, this marvelous breath

beyond the body and mind

you go out into the world beyond service but an expression of what love is within you.

The sweetness of expression of life.

The Practice: Take a walk. Look around you. Stop and get to know a living being. If you are lucky, you get to witness an ant or a bee working. Take note. Watch your breath. See how it feels. Now with this sensation, go out and live your best life. Make it happen, you loves.

Sending you vibes and jams that you be moved by the leaves, a blade of grass, a petal, a stream, the clouds flirting with pink skies, the morning dew and inside you. Thank you for being here. xo

We and our partners use cookies to personalize your experience, to show you ads based on your interests, and for measurement and analytics purposes. By using our website and our services, you agree to our use of cookies as described in our Cookie Policy.

On Love

Unrealistic expectations and falling in love with the “idea” of the relationship aren’t seeing the person right in front of us as they are. We lose the opportunity to experience joy with the person whom we “think” we love.

Community

I moved to the Bay Area after having lived in Ohio for so many years. I saw myself working for a great startup with enthusiastic, curious, growth-oriented individuals. I was full of hope and excitement, thinking that I would find a job in three months. Well, that has not happened yet. This idea of getting a job in no time shattered before my eyes. I grew doubtful. I felt like I was weird, and I do not belong.

I internalized a lot of negative thoughts and feelings. Seeing I do not have any relevant "hard" skills. I found myself doubting my worth more and more here in Silicon Valley. Something inside me shifted, where I felt defeated, hopeless, lonely, and depressed. My mind kept playing this game that I am "unemployable" here and ever. I played a thought where I am too soft, too imaginative, too empathic, to get hired here. I felt like I was an alien. In the process, I thought I lost my dream of wanting to help people, my purpose.

When I began volunteering, attending meetups, mixers, networking events, meeting lots of incredibly amazing Millenials throughout the Bay Area, I hear the struggle of isolation and loneliness. Dignity is critical. How do we measure success? When we struggle to compare ourselves with those who have a great list of accolades, status, we do not realize this impact.

It is essential to learn to communicate and cultivate relationships with people. To foster a relationship, it starts with ourselves. It begins with a leap of faith; trusting and respecting, and, most importantly, seeing the value of people. Listening without judgment and being curious without the need to respond to fix things. Empowering people to succeed, trusting them to figure out a solution, surrendering for the need to control. Give them the tools to grow. That tool is freedom and dignity. Every single individual has their own personhood and must be respected, not shamed, but valued and celebrated. It is not a natural skill, but who says it is easy? There is hope. It takes a little love and imagination.

We are interconnected. We impact each other. Our words, our thoughts, our inner monologue, and dialogue play a part in how we relate to the world around us. When we are given a sense that there is a community, things shift. People want to feel valued and needed. It is not the reverse. When we empathize, listen, observe, and refrain from judging, community happens. Things are possible. Look at people. We would be amazed at what things we can do together. This article reminds me never to give up.

The Takeaway and Practice:

Every moment of fear, pain, frustration, and vulnerability [you name it] is a window of opportunity to look inward gracefully. Practice self-care, acknowledging any anxiety, depression, frustration, and grow into the best version of ourselves. Little by little as we go inward, we can go out in the world and help a person work towards being the best version of themselves. You are beauty. You are the creator. You are joy.

The feel good song: Dreams Tonite by Alvvays

We and our partners use cookies to personalize your experience, to show you ads based on your interests, and for measurement and analytics purposes. By using our website and our services, you agree to our use of cookies as described in our Cookie Policy.

Labor of Love

If we are going out into the world to be and live our life to create impact into this world through epic servitude, we owe it to ourselves to get into the grittiness of ourselves. Looking inward and deeply embracing what is there. Life happens. We are constantly impressed by someone or something. Sometimes there are moments where we are able to slow down, pause, and events in our life, we are given the opportunity to observe (if we let it) and see this (put something into action). If we are lucky enough, we get to see this raw being we call ourselves. It is a window. Now the next thing is to whether look through or go through; opening it or keeping it closed. You have the power more than you think. Whether you like it or not, we are just hitting the surface. If you want to dig deeper, seek those who will guide; empower, cultivate courage and trust within you, break the limitations for you to discover and explore this to get to love for yourself and to the world. All power to you.

Tilting to a little thing: When we were little girls and boys, what sparked stuff within us? When did you get to sit down with your family or friends, sit quietly and learn to open perspective? When was the last time you did something new and get out there? When was the last time you fell in love with the person talking to you just through listening intently (you not listening to respond but hearing) and allowing them to flower like a lotus flower? So many possibilities. What is your intention for all this? Who do you thank? Who do you celebrate? Who do you respect? Who do you trust? Questions are endless. The spark is within you. You are the creator and designer of your life.

Exercises to start:

Get out in the world. Have dinner with friends and turn off your phone. Talk to random people or with a person you love that you haven’t talked to. Initiate a conversation and bring a vulnerable topic. See what happens when you do something opposite you are told or heard to do.

Playlist: Songs that bring you joy.

Hope you find yourself lit up with this. Remember your mind is powerful. You are enough. You are beautiful. Rock your love.

On Vision, Willingness and the spirit of Volunteerism

Whatever we decide we want to do in our life, it is a practice to have vision. What is that vision? How will our mindset be? When we step into a space, how will our energy be? Before we start something, be aware of our experience and our headspace. With what are we identified? How does this create openness within us?

It is the spirit of cultivating an energy of willingness. The energy of openness and no ego. The energy of doing what it takes to make things happen, create possibility and opportunity. The minute we categorize and measure that it is good or bad, what do we notice in ourselves? How can we become cognizant of how things feel in our experience?

What daily practice helps you kickstart your day and create a higher consciousness? I hope this inspires you to find a practice where you already find joy right in front of you and expand happiness to community, world, you fill the blank. It is within. Much love.