Ever since I moved to California, I am not going to lie. It’s been pure hell!
I had an idea in my head that everything would be grand. My parents would be thrilled that I finally moved here, but there was a glitch. I did not have a job lined up, so that added a layer of challenge. I shipped boxes of books, CDs, cassette tapes, vinyl records, a set of AllClad pans, and a vacuum cleaner across the country, which are waiting to warm up my home. I brought my savings. I would get a job right away and find a great apartment. NOPE. That’s not what happened.
Deep inside, I felt a great sense of inadequacy. Being surrounded by so many women and men who are accomplishing so much, traveling, living a life of luxury, and also people who struggled finding work that they loved, it drove me to look inward on what I wanted in my life. Why is this happening? Is it me? Is it my way of communicating? My look? My voice? What am I doing “wrong?” I found myself comparing to other’s achievements and accomplishments. Accomplishments? I thought I accomplished something beautiful in the 5+ years, having seen a curriculum evolve and see it be ready for the next level that I felt it was time for me to make room for another instructional designer take over and contribute to Lead.Serve.Inspire. I love and deeply respect the faculty members of the College of Medicine OSUCOM, the program directors, the subject matter experts, program coordinators, the nurses, the students. I will forever be grateful for the faith they put in me to guide them as they crafted what they teach.
I was proud of arriving here in California, and yet somehow, I found myself lost with so much self-doubt. What happened? How did I get that way? The Aiko that arrived here had full of confidence, knowing that my family would be supportive. I heard and read that I must have a job lined up before moving here, but on the contrary, I came here with just the thought of wanting to be near my family. That was my priority.
Now that 2019 is almost coming to an end and the holidays are approaching. Which means recruiting season is going to tighten. Shall I be afraid? This narrowing hiring window and the gap are deepening. I want to become a beginner again. The willingness to begin again is the spark.
Is this what happens when discomfort visits, we let external factors and the environment get internalized? I care too much. San Francisco has a way of turning me inside out, seeing countless people in the streets who don’t have homes. I found myself not being able to tune it out. I felt a great sense of loss and dignity for the people without a home, no food, but only find they can solely rely on substances to numb the pain. I am so fortunate and privileged to have a home in one of the most expensive areas and most intense markets in California. I mentioned earlier in previous posts, the mind, with its way to seek comfort and safety, with thoughts and feelings, sets in, and it has the power to make everything appear something to fear, a hassle, a brick that can weigh us down and create stagnation, defeat. I haven't found my next role yet. I ended up playing a game of “you’re not good enough.” Why?
I fell in love with medical education. If it were up to me, I would stay in this comfort zone of doing the same thing. It’s a scary place to pivot to the unknown. What is the next chapter? I don't know. I am in a place where I want to offer my energy to the next level of learning and service. The future of education is boundless. People are more curious than ever before. People want to expand and be boundless. Why are we heading to AI? Why are we focused on User Experience? Why is Customer Experience and Success coming to the forefront? We have such a great opportunity right now more than ever. Time is valuable, and it is a currency. Is it just about me? No.
The Opportunity for growth: Watch the thoughts and feelings that come and see what shows up. Do you see things as "likes" and "dislikes?" Where do you think this is rooted? Where did it begin? Write it all down. See what shows up. Is the idea true? How do you think this idea serves your purpose? Take a look. You are the creator of your life.
Music exercise: Get home. Take off your shoes. Put on your slippers. Get comfortable. Dim the lights. Go outside. See the sunset. Watch the sky. Put on your headset and take a walk. Or just sit quietly. Listen. Go inward. Get out in the world.
Album Exploration and self-reflection - When It Falls (Special Edition) by Zero 7 on Spotify. Experience added to “my California - an exploration.” Music is love.