August is my mom's birthday month, and undoubtedly enough, I find myself reflecting on what impact I have had on her life as her daughter. I don't know if this is an Asian thing, but this thought is in my day to day experience, always thinking about my mom. For years, I have ever had this dream to move West.
Moving from Ohio to California without a job, I thought at first was brave and exciting, thinking that I would find a formidable role since I heard that jobs are abundant here in Silicon Valley. Then I'd move to my own cute Craftsman bungalow house with a tiny yard with a garden that Finn can bask in the sun. I would invite my parents to come over and make them dinner in my beautiful backlit yard strung with cafe lights. I would ask my sisters for a sister-hang on the tiny porch, and they would help me decorate the rooms shopping for some furniture and kitchen and dining items, you name it. I would invite my new friends to come over for wine and a porch-hang and learn about their stories losing track of time. I would have my neighbors for coffee and breakfast and express how grateful I am; I got to find the place I live in. I see my friends in Ohio and New York visit and have a place to crash, so they didn’t have to stay at a hotel. I would walk to the nearest park and coffee shop with Finnegan and connect with the neighbors. These were the things I saw.
Somewhere along the way, things shifted inside me that I couldn't figure out what I was seeing. Next thing I know I started getting thoughts in my head saying
"you are not good enough for that role."
“it’s amazing how you don’t know how to …”
"you are not director material"
"don’t be weird"
“you are &** (this and that)”
… months. Later, I found myself following a storyline that defeated the spirit in me to dream of a big joyful prosperous life. I have been known to be a cheerful, joyful, fun, and positive person, bringing my energy of joy everywhere I went. What is this?
So people I know would send me roles that would be exciting, but I often thought to myself, I would not be a good fit for that role what is that person thinking? But I remained thankful and not get my hopes too high. I don’t have the qualifications. I don’t know HTML, JavaSript, CSS, Python, I don’t know how to code. I did not graduate from an Ivy League, Stanford, or Berkeley or UCI, you name it, I had the reason and the mindset of not believing in myself. This is what happens when we internalize external things. It is easy to get caught in it if we don’t stop and pause and take inventory of our self. It takes a certain energy to call it out and hold up the mirror. I would sabotage my chances by getting my head in the way.
So as August draws to a close, thinking of my mom and her boundless love and faith in me. Thanking me for moving to California, I dedicate my search for a job so that I move out of the house. I worry about you doing so much for our family. My mother exemplifies love, devotion, sacrifice, perseverance, and hope. I love you so much. I will get that role—tears of joy.
Be kind. Keep being earnest and keep moving forward, because you want to make sure they are cared for as well. <3 Aiko
As August 2020 draws near to a close with a pandemic, California fires, social and civil unrest, political transition, I reflect on my mother’s love who celebrates her birthday this month along with our grandmother, aunts in Japan, all the mothers in the world, I reflect on mine. Inspired by today’s meditation with Headspace 08/22/2020. Aiko Yonamine