April 25th:
Have you ever encountered wanting something, and when you didn’t get it, it felt like the biggest letdown, so the next thing, of course, was to write about it…but lost the content during the publishing stage? Yes. It happens. Continue tomorrow. I hope to recall what I wrote. I realize it may not be the same and some elements may have been lost in the process of recollection. I will thrive regardless.
Well, it is May 25th:
One month from the episode of losing all that content, I wrote after that very thing I wanted, and I didn’t get. I honestly thought I was going to be angry and upset for a long time, but I felt a different way. I came to acknowledge the fact that it's okay not always to get what I want. Do you see me crying for days? Surprisingly, No. I honestly thought I was going to be "sad" about it for a long time, but even if I tried, every time I think I am sad, I couldn’t stay sad. Believe me, I tried. But my mind would draw a blank. I would stop and check in with my body and notice if any sensations came up. Even in my body, I tried to feel if sadness had an impression, but experientially, it was merely an exhale.
How meditation has benefitted me and been for me, experientially, resilience is no longer something to strive for, or somehow it feels like there is no need to be resilient because there is nothing to overcome nor resist. Those things that I expected to bother me no longer do, and even when it does trigger some things, I have learned not to engage in that thought and feeling. I am not exactly sure what is happening, but of course, there will be moments when things will not go as we expect. It's okay. Let it be. xo